It's probably obvious to those of you who know me that I may have the biggest damn head God ever put on a human being. I hate to put this fact out there in case you've missed it but you probably haven't because, well, it's kinda obvious. Some men have great looking football shaped heads. They're lucky. Others have nice baseball shaped noggins and that's great. Me-I have a head like a bowling ball. Extra large. Heavy. It's very pedestrian and commonly found in places where there are smelly red, white and blue rental shoes, stale beer, painted cinder block walls and bad food. Yep-bowling alleys. There's where you'll commonly see men with my kind of head. But that's not really me (I hope). My head doesn't fit me. Damn. What does one do when their head doesn't fit their image of themselves?

According to my mother I was born with this huge head....it's not just something that grew as I did. (I'm not sure where she thinks it comes from.....ummm...genetics, Mother and probably from your side of the family.) Oh and the ears too, they were extra large and could have picked up Radio Free Europe when I was a child. But that's another story for another blog. My parent's "special cute baby nickname" for me was Winston Churchill. Seriously. How cute is that?! Now if I was a baby with enough intellect to get us out of wars and such, that would have been adorable but I don't believe that was the case. It was because to them I looked exactly like WC. Big head and all. And if you think I'm making this up, think again. Abso-fucking-lutely true. Why am I normal? On the other hand, maybe these comments explain a lot.

Tall guys get the admiration of everyone-you've gotta be a basketball player. How tall are you? I wish I was as tall as you are! Men with big feet get made fun of in a positive, elbow-in-the-ribs with a positive chuckle and a knowing look aren't-you-king-of-the-world kinda way. Guys with big heads get nothing. Nada. Freaks of nature. Your poor mother had to pass that huge thing through the birth canal. Bless her heart. Hey-Winston's mom-maybe you kinda deserved it for giving birth to such a cute kid!

In the late 50's and early 60's my mother always wanted to dress me on the matching coat and hat sets that all of her friends were dressing their sons in (the ones with the cute football and perfect baseball shaped heads). They looked cute as hell in them. I, on the other hand, could only wear the coat. No hat. Naked bald head. Not picture perfect. Radio Free Europe coming in loud and clear on the huge ears. I was thinking hard about ending wars with all the info coming in my ears but I wasn't winning any of the Kodack's most perfect head and ears contests.

By the time I was in my 20's I was grateful to read that Katherine Hepburn found Spencer Tracey's large head very American and one of his most irresistible traits. That was good enough for me to put my lifelong head size worries aside for many years even though when I'd go to buy a hat it was always "custom order"! Usually I'd just go hatless to avoid the trouble.

Recently I went to Paris with friends and we decided it would be fun to take a picture of everyone in French berets. You know how it goes...when in Rome do as the Romans (except this was in France...I wish it had been Italy...no hats to worry about there). I quickly picked the black beret because everything looks smaller in black, right? Wrong. Everyone easily put their beret onto their heads with just the right tilt to look very authentic and very French, but not so for me. Everyone waited as I asked the front desk clerk for sissors to give mine a beret- episiotomy to help it come close to fitting my huge American head. It still wasn't quite right but we made do so we could at least get the picture. I wasn't feeling very irresistible, Miss Hepburn, or very French as I still had trouble pulling it down on my yuuggge (hello Donald Trump) head. But I was feeling a lot of love from those friends in France who laughed with me. We had a great time together and enough memories to last until the next trip together in March.

Life is great-and there's not much I can do about my big head except custom order berets and hats and not worry about something I can't change about myself. I couldn't diet my head down a size or two even if I tried. And those big ears self corrected a long time ago, so I no longer pick up Radio Free Europe, which is great when I travel abroad but not very helpful in my service of ending wars. And hey Donald, what are you laughing at? Your head is pretty yuugggee too (in more ways than one).

Top Picture: Winston Churchill or me as a 9 month old baby with a bow tie on (take your pick)

Middle Picture: Spencer Tracey and Katherine Hepburn

Bottom Picture: Bill and Marianne Berry, Larry Tilson and Joe Craig, Libba and Michael Gaither, Jim and Cindy Cash, Susan and Big Head